Phil's Blog

Blogs posted on or before Thursday, February 09, 2012 12:00:00 AM

Hunting Season 

Tuesday, November 01, 2011 10:25:57 AM

It's hunting season!

In Colorado the change of seasons brings with it the knowledge of many that the big game hunting season is here.  To be able to hunt elk, moose, and deer in September-December, the hunter must start his decision making process back in February!  He must determine where he and his hunting companions (hunting is always more fun with amigos) will hunt in the state.  Then they must apply for their hunting "tags" that tell all when, where and what the hunters are hunting.  Successful hunting takes tremendous commitment and dedication to the art/sport.  All of this that I've described are just the logistics of location and getting tags.  It doesn't speak to the equipment, the woodsmen knowledge, the knowledge of the specific big game habits/habitations, the commitment of time and money to taking time off work and from family.  Hunting is hard work & if you want to be successful--you must be committed to the goal; bring home some food for the freezer.  I have a close friend, Boston, who hunts extensively each year because it is a SIGNIFICANT portion of his eating for the next nine months.  If you read between the lines correctly you'll read "No meat; no eat" in that statement.  Do you think Boston is committed to successful hunting?  You darn tootin!

So--you might ask, "Phil--that is kinda cool--but what does this have to do with Jesus?"

Good question. 

I read this by A.W. Tozer in his classic and wonderfully compelling book "Pursuit of God"

"How tragic that we in this dark day have had our seeking done for us by our teachers.  Everything is made to center upon the initial act of "accepting" Christ (a term, incidentally, which is not found in the bible) and we are not expected there-after to crave any further revelation of God to our souls.  We have been snared in the coils of a spurious logic which insists that if we have found Him, we need no more seek Him….The experiential heart theology of a grand army of fragrant saints is rejected in favor of a smug interpretation of scripture which would certainly have sounded strange to an Augustine, a Rutherford or a Brainerd.

The still and wooden quality about our religious lives is a result of our lack of holy desire.  Complacency is a deadly foe for all spiritual growth.  Acute desire must be present or there will be no manifestation of Christ to His people.  He wants to be wanted.  Too bad that with many of us He waits so long, so very long, in vain.

The shallowness of our inner experience, the hollowness of our worship, and that servile limitation of the world which marks our promotional methods all testify that we, in this day, know God only imperfectly, and the peace of God scarcely at all."

HUNT FOR ME!!  HUNT FOR ME!!!  HUNT FOR ME!!!

If we'll be honest most of us would never consider that God, Yahw*h God would say these words.  We have been lured into thinking that tells us that going to church a couple of times a week and gathering in a group on some regularity is what Jesus is seeking from us.  Loyalty and fidelity.  Stability and theological accuracy.  We have been taught that these are MOST IMPORTANT in our walk with Him.

Is it?

Here is a good resource for you: http://www.seekgod.org/bible/godsinvitation.html

Praying for you--as I go hunting!

Philly

 

Sit 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011 10:21:22 AM

I continue to fall in love with the stories of David.  In II Samuel 7 David has arrived!  After  years of running from Saul, he has now become king.  He has moved the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem and great things are happening.

David has an great idea.  In II Samuel 7 we learn of David's plan to build God a temple.  He became aware that he himself was living in palatial splendor well beyond his own God & that would not do!!  He must build something to honor his King and Lord!! 

My wonderful friend and mentor David McCombs once told me, "When God touches a man deeply he always wants to build something or buy something for God."  He was so right wasn't he?  When we've experienced the full weight and measure of the pleasure of our King--we are naturally inclined to buy Him something or build Him something.  Our excitement and joy in Him spills out!

In the story of Jesus and three of his best buddies going to what has been called "The Mount of Transfiguration" the same thing happens; Peter--deeply moved by God's Shekinah glory causes him to blurt, "Let's don't leave!!  We'll build all three of you guys a Temple right here!!!" (Phil's paraphrase of Luke 9)

But wait.

God  has an interesting response in II Samuel to Nathan, David's pastor.  Nathan delivers the rejection of building plans to David and in II Samuel 7:18 David does something that most of us would consider unthinkable.  It broke protocol and it would, on face value, seem incredibly disrespectful.

He sat.

Did you know in the temple that Solomon would eventually build--there are no man chairs?  Deep and pure worship of God in temple does not usually include sitting.  It includes kneeling, lying on our tummies, bowing, raised hands, clapping, etc--but not sitting.  But David sat!!

Why?  Why would a "man after God's own heart" do something so blatantly disrespectful?

I think because of Psalm 46:10

"Be still and know that I am God..."

When you read David's prayer back to God in II Samuel 7--you get a sense of a man who understood that he was about to start a building project that did not come from the heart of God--but from the heart of a good intentioned warrior/lover.  I love what Eugene Peterson says in "Leap Over a Wall" about this moment.

"But there are times when our grand human plans to do something for God are seen, after a night of prayer, to be a huge human distraction from what God is doing for us.  That is what Nathan realized that night: God showed Nathan that David's building plans for God would interfere with God's building plans for David." (pp 160)

So--point of application here:  Are you sitting or are you building?  Both are appropriate of course--neither is right all the time.  BUT--the most critical question we must ask our Father (and the help of our pastor/mentors) is--"Father--am I building as You would have me build or should I be sitting and enjoying your presence like Mary vs. Martha?"

Sitting here thinking about ya!

Phil

The Smell of Forgiveness 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011 7:00:47 PM

Jesus dropped a bomb on Peter one day.  Hit this link and either read or you can listen!

http://www.gnpcb.org/esv/search/?q=Matthew+18%3A21-22

What does that kind of forgiveness sound like?  What color is it?  What does it smell like?  If you saw it--would you recognize it?

I hope you'll enjoy this link and this very famous singer.  Most of us know him from his 2007 song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow".  He is one of my favorites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqF5AvERMNg&feature=autoplay&list=PLA1D10687CF5936BB&index=5&playnext=5

Just a little "behind the scenes" about this presentation. 

It was at the 1996 Hoku Awards.  Israel and his band had struggled in their personal relationships because of...well...because they were human.  The original band had broken up and Iz moved forward without them.  But imagine, Hawaii really is a small place, especially if you are all world class muscians.  How do you avoid your brothers?  Miss Thanksgiving meals?  Avoid birthday parties?  How do you live in harmony with the Father or yourself when there is such venom between you and your brothers/sisters?

The singers who come out during the song--are the original band members.

As you watch to the end--you will see what I think forgiveness looks like, sounds like, and feels like.  You'll notice so many standing in the audience; this was for honor to men who struggle to love and forgive--fighting through and doing it anyway.

Love ya--forgive early.

Phil

File:Israel Kamakawiwoʻole.jpg

Israel  "IZ"  Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole

May 20, 1959 – June 26, 1997

Live it UP 

Tuesday, June 28, 2011 5:55:06 PM


So--I was thinking....

I am 51 years, 11.1 months old.
I am 623 months old.   I am 2709.1 weeks old.
I have been alive 18,964 days.
 
If I live to age 75 I have:
 
I have 288 months left to live.
I have 1252.3 weeks left to live.
I have 8,766 days left to live.
 
These quotes seem appropriate:
 
Oh! Teach us to live well!
      Teach us to live wisely and well!
   Come back, God—how long do we have to wait?—
      and treat your servants with kindness for a change.
   Surprise us with love at daybreak;
      then we'll skip and dance all the day long.
   Make up for the bad times with some good times;
      we've seen enough evil to last a lifetime.
   Let your servants see what you're best at—
      the ways you rule and bless your children.
   And let the loveliness of our Lord, our God, rest on us,
      confirming the work that we do.
      Oh, yes. Affirm the work that we do!  David in Psalm 90
 
Enjoy yourself.  It's later than you think.  ~Chinese Proverb

Every man dies.  Not every man really lives.  ~Braveheart

As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do.  ~Zachary Scott

Dream as if you'll live forever.  Live as if you'll die today.  ~James Dean

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count.  It's the life in your years.  ~Abraham Lincoln

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life.  But there was always some obstacle in the way.  Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.  Then life would begin.  At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.  ~Fr. Alfred D'Souza


To change one's life:  Start immediately.  Do it flamboyantly.  No exceptions.  ~William James

Get busy living or get busy dying.  Go JESUS!

What Have You Bled For? 

Friday, May 27, 2011 7:25:25 PM

It's been an adventuresome month.  Laptop died.  Took almost three weeks to get new one, salvage old data from old machine and get the new one up and running.  Finally at 100% Thank you Jesus Lord of Computers!

What have you bled for?  Sports injuries, good gardens, household work as you bang your thumb with a hammer?

As we move into Memorial Day---I remember all the Veterans who have bled for me and my family.  Last year on Memorial Day my family and I were in Austin, Texas and we went to a cemetery to walk, pray, mourn, and be thankful on this special day.  We met and viisted with a number of complete strangers--folks who also were there to remember.  Some had memories more painful than others.  Hunter and I visited with a woman well into her 80's who had come to visit her WWII husband who had passed only 10 months before.  She was so sweet--but she wandered off mentally at times in our conversation--looking out over the many headstones and seeing something we couldn't see; hearing something we couldn't hear.  That is what grief is like--it is a set of clothes worn only by those who didn't want them, didn't shop for them ,but have them anyway and they are unique to each person--yet are recognizable to others who have grief.

This weekend--we celebrate...and mourn.  We remember...and we bow our heads in thanks.  It reminds me of a friend of mine and something He told me recently. 

God said, "I want some friends.  I have commited servants and good religious people--but I want some friends.  I have some folks who wear my t-shirts and can quote my book well--but I want some friends.  Jesus, would you take care of that?"  And--I'm so very, very thankful for this--He did.

There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. Jesus

Please enjoy this incredible video and song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57SVa5RJjzc&feature=related

Thankful for all Veterans,

Phil, Lory and Hunter Floyd

Royalty III 

Wednesday, May 04, 2011 7:55:54 AM

How is your memory?  What events, people, circumstances, pain or joy do you most easily remember about both your recent and distant past?  I have always been amazed at the way the Father created us physiologically and soul-logically.  I’ve had many conversations with folks and we seem to be more easily able to remember the good things with pleasurable sensation vs. the painful things with actual pain.

 My wife and I have experienced the loss of a son.  That was almost 15 years ago.  The pain of that experience is indelibly inked on our hearts and our memories.  But we don’t experience the same depth of searing hurt as we did when it happened.  We have more of a groan; not of unjustness or anger—but of a wistfulness to have gotten to raise him and know him.  Overlapping this groan is a knowing that God loves us and all that we’ve experienced is useful to His destiny for us; so we choose to remember that as well.

 Being a Royal person requires some memory work, but not the kind you may think.  Malachi 3:16 records an interesting sentence for all eternity:

 “Then those who feared the Lord talked often one to another; and the Lord listened and heard it, and a book of rememberance was written before Him of those who reverenced and worshipfully feared the Lord and who thought on His name."

Here is the question I ponder about what is written in God’s Book of Rememberance;

 What does He remember about me?

 Let me give you a context for this consideration; how do you talk about your children to others?  Although my 17 year old son has experienced 3 speeding tickets and one accident in his first year of having a driver’s license, I tell that story in the middle of many more words of love, appreciation and pride.  I speak of his job and how he got it and how he serves well.  I speak of his character and how he is managing his relationships with others wisely and I talk about his physique—he is a very strong and athletic young man.  I speak of his wit and humor and how much we enjoy him.  You can lose that part about the driving silliness in all of that can’t you? 

 Or can you?

 So—does God my Royal Father—who calls me a Royal Priest/Son to Him—remember my sinfulness?  Is it written in His Book of Rememberance of Phil?  Does he have pictures of me along with captions below like a Creative Memory wild man with little anecdotes about this event or that sin?  Does He use His Royal memory to remember my screw-ups and failures?

 Nope.

 I weep when I write this—HE DOES NOT remember that.  His mercy triumphs over judgment.  I have earned and deserved judgment, as do you.  I have EARNED spite, judgment and His anger.  I should have no standing before Him; I should have absolutely NO place of pleasure in His memory.

 But I do. 

 “He has not dealt with us as our sins deserve or repaid us according to our offenses.  For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His faithful love towards those who fear Him.  As far as the east is from the west so far has He removed our transgressions from us."  Ps. 103:10-12

 “This is the brand-new covenant that I will make with Israel when the time comes.  I will put my law within them—write it on their hearts!—and be their God.  And they will be my people.  They will no longer go around setting up schools to teach each other about God.  They’ll know me firsthand, the dull and the bright, the smart and the slow.  I’ll wipe the slate clean for each of them.  I'll forget they ever sinned!"        Jere. 31:34

God’s memory of me is full of moments of my love for Him and my passion for Him.  Lots and lots of pictures of me bowing, worshipping, prostrate before Him in adoration and praise.  Lots of pictures of me dancing around campfires and hiking through woods screaming his name ‘til my throat grew raw and raspy.  Lots and lots of pictures of my face turned upward with tears of rapturous joy and reckless-abandon love beaming.  Tons of pictures of me sitting around with groups of hairy-chested men—cigar smoke flowing—as we review His love letter to us and celebrate His love.  His Book of Rememberance for Phil Floyd doesn’t include the judgment I deserve—because I don’t deserve it anymore.  He paid for that—so why would I keep offering up the bill for that service to Him?  It is “PAID IN FULL.”

 Becoming a person of Royal standing requires that WE choose to start remembering and thinking on that which our King remembers and thinks on.  We change our thinking to align with His thinking. That is what builds our faith.  When we read, study, listen to, memorize and meditate on His word—it builds our faith.  When we listen to Him tell us who we are through the Spirit—it builds our faith.  When we hear His heart for the lost and poor, the prisoner and the widow—our faith gets built up.  Because we start thinking like He thinks about people.

 Introspection is a killer.  Around our home we have said for years that when you are home ill and feeling poorly is EXACTLY the wrong time to go introspective and start considering your value as a person, your weight, your place in God’s memory or any other consideration of substance.  We always lose when we evaluate our lives when we are sick.  So we just refuse to do it.  Instead I ask the Holy Spirit to tell me, through His word, through my brothers and sisters and through His intimate voice within what needs attention in my life.  He knows best doesn’t He?

 In the same way—we, as Royal Priests/Sons/Daughters of the Great King need to align our Book of Rememberance with His and change our thinking so that we ponder on the things which please Him most.

 Pressing in,

 Phil

 

Royalty II 

Thursday, April 21, 2011 12:18:50 AM

In this second edition of Royalty we examine Royal-speak.

I've often wondered about the sound of language.  Since I am a native West Texas speaker, I have an accent.  Early on in my career I did work on TV and radio and the training I received "de-regionalized" me; that is they taught me to sound like I was from no-where identifiable.  That is one of my pet peeves about the standard reporters on TV these days--they all sound the same whether they are in Seattle or Atlanta!

When Prince William or the Queen Mother speak--they clearly would have British accents right?  But they would not have cockney British accents would they? (think Fagin in the classic movie Oliver)  They would have polished, somewhat upper-crust British accents.  They would never say "Yo--my bad Holmes!" when they drop a fork at the table.  Can you see Prince William and Prince Harry greeting one another at the end of a riveting game of cricket with "What up DAWG?!"  Probably not--and if they did--it would clearly not sound like someone who knew how to say it.

What do the Royals sound like in public?

They season their comments with grace.  Even when they speak harshly--they say it in such a way as to make you listen closely to hear the reprimand.  Blunt is not a royal language.  In Proverbs 15 Solomon said, "A soft answer turns away wrath..." .  Paul said this of God, "It is His kindness that leads us to repentance."  To be the son or daughter of the King--that is a Prince or Princess means that our words, tone and inflection create an atmosphere of kindness and restoration.

The language of royalty seems to bring honor to a high place in the conversation.  They don't feel compelled to make others feel belittled or disrespected to create humor; indeed their word selection and inflection might cause a person of  low standing in society or circumstance feel worthy of the royal person and of themselves.  The atmosphere around a royal would reflect Paul's encouragement in Colossians, "Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out."   

When I was in my first years of college I had a job as a security guard.  I would wander around four large buildings, inside and out from 10:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. in downtown Albuquerque, NM.  I would often encounter very large men who were not in their right mind due to drugs, alcohol or mental illness.  I had the not-so-enviable job of asking them to leave their warm grate (steam heated) and move out.  As you could imagine they were not always happy with me and would usually look me over to determine whether they should just knock me out and go back to sleep.  The best words of guidance I received from a co-worker was to remember that I had no idea what their real story is, what their pain is and that if I would treat them with kindness and respect rather than the "voice of command" I would receive favorable results.  It worked perfectly.  I never had any of those men attack me and I never had to use any form of force to do my job.  I honored them--regardless their station in life.

I am asking the Holy Spirit to inspire me to the language of a Royal son.  I'm asking that my words and tones would cause the King of Glory to be honored and that others who hear my words would be encouraged and lifted up.  I'm asking that others sense the presence of God's love and acceptance when I use my words. 

I am becoming more Royal in my God given Texas accent.  How about you?

Go JESUS!

Royal Behavior I 

Thursday, April 14, 2011 9:48:47 AM

 "Etiquette is, in short, knowing what to do at the right time

and knowing what to say at the right time,"

William Borthwick  

 

The Royal Wedding is ON!

 You may be of an age where you remember, first hand, the wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana back on June 21st, 1982.  I remember it well—not because I cared at all about that wedding—but because I was engaged to be married to Miss. Lory Carlton on August 14, 1982.  So me and the Prince were in a bit of a contest of sorts—who could outdo the other one with the wedding.

 It really wasn’t much of a contest; he had the full weight of his Kingdom behind him.  Shiny horse-drawn carriages, soldiers all spit-shined and polished, an entourage that defined the word.  He had protocol folk who made sure everyone knew the rules of Royalty.  Me—I had a ravenously beautiful Texas woman who saw something in me and was willing to take a risk, and four tall buddies that stood with me to make the date stand tall.  My royalty rules were “Don’t write anything rude on the bottom of my shoes that folks can read when we kneel at the alter to pray!”  My best man, David Pugh, was in charge of making sure I was on time and had my zipper up and my nose clean.  It has been the best thing under the sun to be married to and in love with Lory all these years.

 Do you wonder what the “Rules of a Royal Wedding” are? 

 In an article from March 23rd Meera Selva detailed some of the protocol rules for the upcoming Royal Wedding:

     1.    Don’t be late, arrive no later than 20 minutes before the ceremony start time
          (the Queen should be the last person in Abbey before the wedding party)

2.    Wear an outfit that blends in; women don’t wear white and soldiers wear your dress uniform

3.    Leave your mobile phone in the car

4.    After the ceremony at the Abbey a few guests (600) are invited to the reception at BuckinghamPalace where the food and drinks are to be AMAZING.  Accept the offerings politely—but don’t gobble, don’t gulp—and for goodness sakes don’t get drunk.

5.    Never touch the queen or initiate conversation with the royal family

6.    It is still appropriate to bow politely to the Royalty

7.    Don’t write anything silly on Prince William’s shoes

 I think of Samuel’s actions just after he anointed Saul as the King of Israel:

Then Samuel told the people the manner of the kingdom [defining the position of the king in relation to God and to the people], and wrote it in a book and laid it up before the Lord. And Samuel sent all the people away, each one to his home. I Sam. 10:25 Amp

You see—Israel had never had a King before.  This was the FIRST in a line of Royalty over the nation of Israel and they had no “rules.”

 Consider this as well:

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a dedicated nation, [God's] own purchased, special people, that you may set forth the wonderful deeds and display the virtues and perfections of Him Who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. I Peter 2:9 Amp

So—my noodle is considering this final verse:

 Three things are too much for even the earth to bear, yes, four things shake it’s foundations—when the janitor becomes the boss…Proverbs 30:21a Message

 My heart’s question these days is:

 “Father—I don’t know how to act like Royalty.  I am Your chosen guy—I’m a King’s son!  But I feel like the janitor who has won the lottery of grace and I’m mishandling the crown You gave me.”

 Over the next couple of BLAAGs I’m going to speak to Royal behavior as a King’s kid.  Your thoughts are more than welcome because the smartest person in this conversation is all of us together.

 Hanging up my janitor’s smock,

 Phil

 

Band of Brothers Pt. 1 

Thursday, April 07, 2011 9:04:02 AM

How Is Your BOB?

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
 
Greater love has no one than this that he lay his life down for his friends. Jesus, John 15:13

 

Ten years ago I was playing basketball with a group of men on Tuesday and Thursday mornings at a local recreation center at 0530 in the morning.  We would be so excited to play there would be 11-18 of us standing outside the door in line like when you were at the lunchroom in middle school.  You see the first 10 got to play a full-court game before would break the group into four-smaller teams and play sideways on the courts--two games.  So, in spite of snow, cold, rain or national calamity--we would stand outside that door stretching, talking smack and laughing till they finally let us in.  It was great fun and we enjoyed the camaraderie and competition of men before we went to work those days.

Although I loved the basketball, I wanted a deeper level of friendship with some guys.  Not just church buddy guys.  Not just grab-a-beer-watch-the-game guys.  Guys who had my values, my faith, and who were manly men; not religious men.

I wanted two men to whom I could knit my soul.  I was very aware of the two verses above and had discovered that life is way more fun when you  have a true friend to walk it out with.  Someone to share your struggles and joys with.  Someone to complain about your favorite sports team too and argue with about politics and not become offended.  If you get terrible news--the guys you would go to first; before a pastor or maybe even before family.

How do you decide whom to pick?  I picked two guys based on basketball character.  If you've played the game you know what I mean.  When you play basketball there are guys who always call you for the foul--but manage to miss their own.  There are whiners and there are guys who missed the NBA draft by about 20 miles--but think they missed it by inches. 

I found Bennie Hayes and Rob Cupp by pushing on them (fouling) and seeing how they responded.  They didn't call the foul.  They smiled, cataloged it and at the next appropriate opportunity--they got me back.  We both smiled--and kept banging around on the court and loving the game.  They didn't hog the ball but rather played the game as teammates.  In those moments I determined that these were two men who weren't prima donnas nor whiners.  They took offense, without being offended and gave some back.  They impressed me as Warrior types.  The type of men who wouldn't mind an occasional fist fight to solidfy their willingness to bleed for righteousness--or just plan man-dumb reasons as well.

Bennie, Rob and I have been meeting on Wednesday mornings for 10 years.  We have protected our schedules from work, from family, from church, from hobbies, from our own tiredness to meet 0600-0900 as a rule.  We eat breakfast, laugh, catch up, and make merry.  When we started meeting 10 years ago Bennie had one daughter out of the house starting her own business and one in high school with bad driving habits.  Rob had no kids and a beautiful wife with whom he explored Colorado each weekend.  I had a son who was a first grader.  Now Bennie's daughters are both out the house and thriving, Rob has three small children and I have a 17 year old with bad driving habits.  We have grown together.  Our hearts and lives are knit together.  We started with a book study and it really helped us get to know one another.  But since that first book we have started two or three others but never get very far in them before we discard them.  We just can't stand to read another man's ideas about life and faith and hurt and hope--when we could get the real thing, real-time with the two guys who know me best.

I turned 50 years old in the summer of 2009 and the three of us were on a WAAWG (Weekend Almost Alone with God) together.  The wild-hearted, hairy chested men on that Gideon's experience snuck a birthday cake along and we celebrated together around a campfire with after sugar-high cigars.  We snapped the photo above that night in July 2009.

I love my BOB (Band of Brothers) and I cannot implore nor encourage you enough to get your own.  You can find a brochure on this website that will assist you in getting one going.

Be your best--Phil

 

Who Am I? 

Saturday, April 02, 2011 2:13:45 AM

 Who Am I?

Dietrich Bonhöffer, a young theologian of great promise, was martyred by the Nazis for his participation in a plot against the life of Adolf Hitler. His writings have greatly influenced recent theological thought.

 

 

 

Who am I? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

 

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though hands were

compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

 

Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!

 

March 4,1946

  This was his final poem before he was hanged, 23 days before the Allies liberated Germany.  He is one of my heros.

Blessings--Phil

by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

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